How do you get rid of feelings? I’ve been thinking of that because I wanted an annoying feeling to go away, but it didn’t. I couldn’t just drop it. Did I ever post something personal on here? Like, something really personal. Well, I’m about to.
Someone close to me pulled an awful joke on me. He sent me a picture of a pregnancy test and said: I’m going to be a dad. Thing is, he’s 22. Just moved out of his parents house like three weeks ago. Just broke up with someone he’s been with for seven years. He’s emotionally unstable. He has a new girlfriend for like 10 minutes. She already moved in. Which is fine, I mean, that’s totally up to them. So I was shocked and almost in tears at the sight of that test, because I knew this was going to be bad. And the fact that he sent it to me, made me feel like he wanted to talk to me specifically and was asking for my help. I also felt kind of honored that he chose me to talk to first. It’s funny how fast feelings go. How many thoughts can race through your head similtaneously. At the very first second of seeing that test, I felt tears coming up. Why? Mostly I was shocked, and then a second later I wasn’t even surprised. Ofcourse she was pregnant, they were rushing things anyway. They were crazy for each other, so crazy they didn’t even hear it if someone else spoke to them. They only had eyes for each other. Ofcourse they didn’t think of birth control.
So I called him immediately. Is this true? How do you feel about it? I heard what I thought was panic in his voice. He said it was terrible, and he has always been against abortion and still is. So what the heck was he going to do now? I asked him if he wanted to come over, and that’s when they started laughing. It’s a joke, Li. Just a joke.
For a second there I didn’t know how to react. Wait, what? Yeah, he said laughing, it’s a joke. She was laughing too. After I recollected myself, I told in that I thought this was in no way funny. He said: oh come on, Li. It was just a joke. I told him I was going to hang up the phone now. He said okay.
Why did this bother me so much? Well first, he made a fool out of me. In front of his new girlfriend. So that sucks. But that wouldn’t normally bring me to tears. So what was really bothering me about it? Something just didn’t sit right with me. I’m usually a forgiving person, why couldn’t I just forget about this? After a good while of thinking about it, it suddenly became clear to me. Over cooking a very nice courgetti with gorgonzola dinner (this was before I started my Candida Diet) I realized that it was this that bothered me about it: he was joking about something that I was dead serious about. I’ve been struggling with the question of having children myself. Never did I think I would have to question having children, because it is all I ever wanted. I don’t need a big career, a lot of money or fancy stuff. I just want a family. A pregnancy. A baby. I even told Boyfriend I would leave him if he decided not to have children. There was just no question about it.
Then I got ill. Two years later I’m still ill. Yes, I’m doing a bit better: I walk with the dog several times a day, I do some chores, I read and I write and I can again use the computer. But those accomplishments mean nothing in comparison with having a child to take care of. That is a lot of work. Which I’m happy to do. If I would be able to. Right now I’m definitely not able. I cancelled all my babysitting jobs because I can’t trust myself to think clearly when I’m tired, and I’m tired very easily. So, pregancy and having children is a really big deal for me, especially lately. That’s what made me so upset. After all, it was just a stupid joke.
So how do I get rid of feelings? I write. I share. And when it’s on paper, I let go.
How do you get rid of unwanted feelings?