How to heal: physically, mentally, spiritually

Dear Younger Self – A Love Letter

Dear younger self,

Here I am, from the future, writing you a letter. Never thought that would happen, huh? I’m just here to tell you it’s going to be okay. You’re sixteen now, a tiny girl with pink hair and eyes that keep people at a distance. You look at the ground when you walk and prefer not to talk to anyone. They don’t get you. I know you’re lonely. Every teenager is, but you’ve felt despair throughout your teenage years and it probably even began when you were still a little kid. You’ve always been lonely, as long as you can remember. You never had a boyfriend, not even close. You don’t have a best friend. I am here to tell you that awful feeling is going to be over soon. I promise. I know don’t trust that because you feel way too hurt to believe it ever will get better, but keep in mind, I promise you it will.

I know you think you don’t have friends. Maybe you should look a little closer. The girls you hang out with at school may not always understand you and may not feel like close friends, but will you believe me when I tell you that they are still around when you’re 25? I just saw them yesterday. Same goes for your friend in your hometown. She lives far away with her boyfriend (she finally found a good guy!) and she has her own life to attend to, but she still checks in regularly. Because she cares about you. People have their own lives and are busy with a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you and care about you. You have learned that by the time you’re 25. You don’t feel ignored anymore.

Oh, and it’s going to be so good when you’re 20. You will meet the love of your life, your best friend, and he is handsome too! You will meet him when you go to college and end up in the same class as him. It will be love at first sight for the both of you. You will be brave and ask for his number, ask for a date, because he’s a bit shy, but believe me, he wants it just as bad as you do.

You don’t believe me, I know you don’t. But I’m telling you. He is hot. He is kind and loving. He is everything you want. He’s a musician and everyone knows musicians are hot. He’s always playing guitar, it’ll drive you mad, but you will love it as well.  He’ll quit smoking for you. He’s intelligent and will find his passion in philosophy. He will work so hard, it’s unbelievable, and people will notice him. He is a catch. And he wants you.

He will be patient with you, because you’ve never been touched, both physically and in your heart. You don’t believe he will stay. You’re careful and he understands, because he’s careful too. It’s a new experience for the both of you, a serious relationship, and you will have to figure it out together. And boy will it be challenging. He’s a bit different than you’re used to and you think many girls wouldn’t have had the patience to stick it out with him, but you love him and you see his kind nature and good heart and you never ever let him go, eventhough it’s been hard at times. And don’t think you are the easiest person to live with. You definitely are not but he will stick it out with you because he loves you so, so much. Don’t be scared, he won’t leave you anytime soon.

You know what’s cool? You two will live in an old schoolbuilding when you leave your parent’s house. You have two classrooms to live in. It will be awesome, but it’s also very big and a bit scary when you’re alone in there, so when you get the chance you pick up your cat from your old home and move to a house that’s very old and very crooked. You will live there for a year and then move to the town you were born in, to a house you can stay in as long as you want. You will feel so relieved, because you hated the insecurity.

And then you get sick. Like, really sick. You’re not dying or anything, don’t worry. But you won’t have any energy so basically it will feel like you don’t live anymore. You will spend most days in bed, scared, weak, worried. You’re even worried your boyfriend will leave you because life is very hard right now, but honey, he loves you and he will be there for you always. Please, trust me on that. He want to build up a life with you. He talks about your future children. He will let you have a dog, eventhough he really doesn’t want one (but he secretly loves that dog almost as much as you do). He’s not going anywhere.

You will fight to get better, but there just isn’t much you can do about your M.E. You’ll be exhausted for about two years, but you will learn to deal with it and how to use your energy. And you eventually will feel better. I can’t tell you if you’ll ever be fully recovered, but I know you’re so strong and you don’t give up on anything, not even on yourself. You will be so proud, you little teenager. You will start a blog and people will read it. You’ll be a writer like you always wanted. You will get your ability to read back and go through all kinds of books. You will be fine. I promise. You will be fine.

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