Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. This sentence has always intriqued me. What does it mean?
Recently I started praying. I have always believed in “the Universe”, whatever that may be. When the book The Secret came out, I knew: I was not raised to be religious, but this I believed. Though it was a bit too sensationally written for my taste, the idea spoke to me, and I knew this was it. This was my religion.
But I forgot about it for a long while. Come to think of it, during University I forgot just about everything unrelated to my studies. Maybe that’s why I got sick in the first place.
Busy as I was, I forgot how important it is to choose your thoughts and prayers carefully. I just thought about passing my classes, which I did. Until my body shut down and I was left wondering what the heck was going on. Thinking back, during University, I didn’t take my health seriously. I gave it no thought. I went way too far, worked way too hard, stressed way too much. I forgot what life was really about for me. But when everything falls apart, you are forced to look at the meaning of things. What is really important to you.
Then recently I met Gabrielle Bernstein, that is, I bought her book and met her in there. Something just told me to look into it and I decided to listen. The Internet made her look like just another person who wrote a bestseller and was making a lot of money because of it, but somehow I felt like she might mean something to me. So a bought her book. And then I bought another. And another.
She talked about the same thing as The Secret once did. I remembered that this was something I used to believe in and realized that I still did.
She told me to pray. I did, and boy, what a relief that is to me. She told me to meditate, and I always knew I had to really give that a shot, but apparently I needed to hear that from her. I meditate twice a day now at least, and schedule some mindful moments in between. I pray for myself, the people around me and the world. I pray for what I want to manifest in my life, what I desire, how I want to feel, for guidance. I prayed for friendship, love, exciting things to do. I prayed for that every night.
The Universe picked up on it and I got it. Everyone suddenly wanted to hang out with me. My oldest friend Karianne I hadn’t seen in a year suddenly texted me that she was coming over the next day. My brother and his girlfriend asked if they could come visit. My friend Marjolein moved really close to me and asked me to come over and go to the market in town together. My sister asked me to go to a Vegan Junk Bar (how awesome is that?!) with her in Amsterdam. My mother asked me to spend a day with her in the caravan. My therapist scheduled an appointment after weeks of me being on the waitinglist. My man really, really wanted to go away together for a couple of days. I said yes to everything.
I got overwhelmed. I’m not ready for this.
And then there is this, something that always happens: I go too far. People who know me personally can attest to this: I always want to be able to do more than I can.
It all started when I was still a baby. I wanted walk before I could crawl. I wanted to sit before I could roll. And if that, naturally, didn’t go my way, I screamed and cried and got mad at myself and the world.
After getting a low high school advice, somehow I ended up at University. Well, not somehow. I worked my ass off. But I got there. Why? Because I could.
I wanted a baby when I was barely an adult myself (thank God that didn’t happen).
I wanted to be able to make my own clothes, but hated the process of learning how to do that. I love to knit, but I hate learning a new stitch. I have no patience when it comes to myself and my goals. I always have goals above what I can actually handle.
And then I got sick and my goals went from “get a university degree” to “get dressed each day”. My goals were lowered by my inability to do anything. Anything at all.
Recently I’ve been feeling a lot better, mostly thanks to a vegan diet I chose. I have been able to do more and more and I’ve been enjoying that so much, you can’t even begin to imagine. After more than two years of doing nothing, being able to do things is such an amazing experience. Which is when I started praying, and dates with people came out of nowhere.
So, being me, I started to plan way too much things in one week. Sure, I can clean my grandparents house this thursdag, even though I have therapy on wednesday. Sure I want to go to Amsterdam to a vegan junk bar with my sister. Can Daphne come too? Sure! I got a bit of a flu, but that won’t stop me from doing anything. Not anymore. I can go look for a job now. Sure I can swim on saturday with my friend and do groceries while we’re in town anyway. Let’s make it a weekly thing. Yeah we can go away for a couple of days, babe! Let’s go to Greece. No money for that? Let’s go to Germany. Let’s go far, far away!
Then reality hit. It’s Sunday now, the day before the week I planned way too many things in. That flu is lingering in the background. How the hell did I think I could take the train to Amsterdam, walk around, find the vegan bar, eat, walk around again, and take the train and bus back home? Yesterday I was in town for an hour and I was competely beat.
How did I ever think I could clean my grandparents house? I can’t even clean my own. Their house is so big. My mom tells me she’ll give me the key when I come visit her on the campsite. Shit, yeah, I promised I would. I want to, but when do I plan that? Where was my head when I was saying yes to all this?
How on earth did I think I’d have the energy to go to Greece. My dad needs to drive me to therapy, for crying out loud. That’s too much for me to handle alone. Did I ever really think we could go to Germany?
So now here I am, trying to manage it all, knowing I will have to cancel a few things and disappoint people. I don’t want to disappoint them. Not them, they have been so good to me while I was ill. Never did they make me feel guilty about breaking promises and cancelling plans at the last minute. Never did my boyfriend complain about me not being able to do housechores or go out. He thought we could go away for a weekend now that I’m better, and I have to tell him that I’m not well enough.
I’m a lot better now, but when will I know how much better I actually am? When will be the time that I can make promises and keep them? These people. I would go to the end of the earth for them, but I’m just going to have to admit that I still can’t.